What It's Like Living With Anxiety and Depression

The thing I hate most about my mental illnesses is that when i have bad days, my brain tricks me into doing crappy things.

I get drunk. I try to contact toxic people from my past. I push the good people away. I snap at the people I love, and convince myself they dont love me. I get into pointless arguments with people. I stop eating good nutritional food, and binge on comfort foods. Which causes me to feel even worse, because I wind up being reminded of why i hate myself and my body.

I've had an unhealthy relationship with food for as long as i can remember, but with my depression, it got worse. When I binge on comfort foods, I get to feeling so bad for eating my weight in chocolate, that I end up taking stool softeners to try and flush my system. I gag myself. I try to get it out. I've never considered myself anorexic or bulimic, because I feel like I can control it. And it doesn't happen all the time.

Why do I do these terrible things? I have no clue. Maybe it's because in this state, my mind craves toxicity. I need to feel worse, or maybe I need a reason as to why I feel what I feel? My brain makes me think that because I feel like crap, those around me should too. I genuinely cannot control it.

When I snap out of a depressive episode, my guilt is terrible. I feel bad for how I treated people, I feel bad for trying to contact toxic people from my past, and I feel bad for how I treated my body.

My body's response to how I treat it, is never good either. My hair fails out, I get painful acne all over my body. I'm constantly tired. Any social contact makes me absolutely exhausted. I'm constantly nauseated, constipated, and weak. I get migraines with any little thing. My whole body just hurts.

My insides and nerves constantly feel like they are going to explode. Its like constantly have stomach butterflies, only severe and it's never from something good.

You know that feeling when you drive by a place with a lot of bad memories, or you see that person who caused you a lot of grief? Or you have to witness something which lands you in court? That feeling where you feel like you're going to poop your pants, or vomit, and your stomach just starts churning? That's what anxiety feels like. That's what I feel every single day.

My brain craves the toxicity,  and negativity that doing these crappy things to myself causes. I don't know how to control myself, and I cant afford therapy.

I forget to take my meds, sometimes for several weeks at a time. I'm sure this is what sends me into my depressive moods. Then I take them for a few days, and convince myself that I feeling better and don't need them any more. Until they wear off. And the same cycle starts all over again.

I hate living this life I'm in. My thoughts of suicide get stronger with each depressive mode i have. I could probably count more than 20 ways I've thought of killing myself.

I've had stuff happen in my past that nobody knows about. Everybody looks in and assumes my life was perfect and glowing. I cant even talk to anybody about it either, because I will be judged so badly, for things I was too young to even understand.

My brain hates me, and is constantly working against me, and I cant even Express myself when its happening. I lose my words, I forget my thoughts. I lose myself every single time.

How are you?

How are you?
I am suffocating in my mental illnesses. I physically find it harder and harder to breathe every single day. Every day gets harder and harder to push through. I think I might actually be drowning. I can actually feel my throat getting tighter. I'm terrified.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
My boyfriend lovingly touched me, and I almost had another panic attack because I was suddenly overwhelmed with feeling too crowded. I snapped on him for loving me. I snapped on him for showing me affection because my mind thought I was going to suffocate if he continued to keep his hand on my leg. He loves me, yet it's hard for him when I'm suddenly complete and raw emotions, unable to express anything except that I suddenly can't handle being touched right now. My emotions are hurting him, yet I'm drowning so fast I can't explain to him what's going on. It keeps getting worse, and happening more often.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
It's been two weeks since I remembered to take my medications. My life is so busy yet so not that I can't remember to take the one thing that helps me to function. But then I wonder if it really helps when I do take it.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
My head hurts from straining everyday to do normal things, while also trying to fight my depression and anxiety. I'm forgetting to do things more and more everyday. I make lists to remember, and then I forget to look at the lists that are supposed to be reminding me to do things. My headaches never go away, and my memory isn't getting any better. I try so hard, yet still I can't get it right. My memory is so bad I can't even remember to go to my Psychiatrist appointment that is an hour away even though I set an alarm to remind me.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
I'm not okay. But I can't tell you that. You don't really care when you ask how I'm doing. You only care to put on a mask of sincerity, to make small talk. I'm not doing okay, and I'm really good at acting chipper, but trust me when I say I'd rather be sleeping the pain away. I can't even talk to anyone, because mental illness has suddenly become glorified. Because talking to someone, only stirs up "I understand" responses, when in fact, they don't understand. They aren't going through it. People struggle to understand that someone can have depression and anxiety evn though they have a good life. People struggle to understand that it comes and goes, in spurts of days and weeks. One day I'm on top of the world, and the next I'm carrying the world's weight. One day I'm just okay, and the next I can barely get out of bed.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

This Life of Mine - The One You Can't See

Can it really be put into words? Probably not. Yet here I am trying. Erase. Try again. Erase. Try again. Over and over.

My body is so overwhelming exhausted. I look at my screen, and my eyes are drifting. Yet the moment I put everything down, the shadows come back. They always come back. They are most likely a figment of my imagination, but they are still real to me. They keep me awake, jolting my fears again and again and again. Lights on, no good. Lights off, no good.

The few hours I get rest, they call me lazy because it just so happens to fall into a different pattern than theirs.

They give me medications to help with the fears, but those same meds keep my lying here awake, and afraid. They call them psychotic medications. They call them my key to normal functionality. Yet I find it still so hard to function.