What It's Like Living With Anxiety and Depression

The thing I hate most about my mental illnesses is that when i have bad days, my brain tricks me into doing crappy things.

I get drunk. I try to contact toxic people from my past. I push the good people away. I snap at the people I love, and convince myself they dont love me. I get into pointless arguments with people. I stop eating good nutritional food, and binge on comfort foods. Which causes me to feel even worse, because I wind up being reminded of why i hate myself and my body.

I've had an unhealthy relationship with food for as long as i can remember, but with my depression, it got worse. When I binge on comfort foods, I get to feeling so bad for eating my weight in chocolate, that I end up taking stool softeners to try and flush my system. I gag myself. I try to get it out. I've never considered myself anorexic or bulimic, because I feel like I can control it. And it doesn't happen all the time.

Why do I do these terrible things? I have no clue. Maybe it's because in this state, my mind craves toxicity. I need to feel worse, or maybe I need a reason as to why I feel what I feel? My brain makes me think that because I feel like crap, those around me should too. I genuinely cannot control it.

When I snap out of a depressive episode, my guilt is terrible. I feel bad for how I treated people, I feel bad for trying to contact toxic people from my past, and I feel bad for how I treated my body.

My body's response to how I treat it, is never good either. My hair fails out, I get painful acne all over my body. I'm constantly tired. Any social contact makes me absolutely exhausted. I'm constantly nauseated, constipated, and weak. I get migraines with any little thing. My whole body just hurts.

My insides and nerves constantly feel like they are going to explode. Its like constantly have stomach butterflies, only severe and it's never from something good.

You know that feeling when you drive by a place with a lot of bad memories, or you see that person who caused you a lot of grief? Or you have to witness something which lands you in court? That feeling where you feel like you're going to poop your pants, or vomit, and your stomach just starts churning? That's what anxiety feels like. That's what I feel every single day.

My brain craves the toxicity,  and negativity that doing these crappy things to myself causes. I don't know how to control myself, and I cant afford therapy.

I forget to take my meds, sometimes for several weeks at a time. I'm sure this is what sends me into my depressive moods. Then I take them for a few days, and convince myself that I feeling better and don't need them any more. Until they wear off. And the same cycle starts all over again.

I hate living this life I'm in. My thoughts of suicide get stronger with each depressive mode i have. I could probably count more than 20 ways I've thought of killing myself.

I've had stuff happen in my past that nobody knows about. Everybody looks in and assumes my life was perfect and glowing. I cant even talk to anybody about it either, because I will be judged so badly, for things I was too young to even understand.

My brain hates me, and is constantly working against me, and I cant even Express myself when its happening. I lose my words, I forget my thoughts. I lose myself every single time.