Hypothyroidism: I Didn't Choose to be Fat

It's hard. It's hard being the fat girl when everyone around you is skinny. It's hard being the fat girl when most of the people you love is skinny.

Wanna go shopping with friends? I'm not even going to worry about bringing money because I know all of the stores they love aren't going to have my size. But I can't even let out my frustrations about stores not having my size with out being told I'm body shaming skinny people.

Until you can go into a store and be shocked when they have your size, instead of being shocked when they don't have your size, you don't get to have an opinion on how I should feel about it.

Anything you say anymore, has to be conscious of the other person. The other person who has things so much easier. The other person who's never had to struggle with dirty looks because they are eating in public. The other person who just doesn't get it.

I have hypothyroidism. A condition in which the thyroid gland doesn't produce enough thyroid hormone. What does this mean?

"Hypothyroidism upsets the normal balance of chemical reactions in your body. It seldom causes symptoms in the early stages, but over time, untreated hypothyroidism can cause a number of health problems, such as obesity, joint pain, infertility and heart disease."

Hypothyroidism is most common in women over 60. Imagine being a 19 year old finding out she has hypothyroidism, and not even knowing what this giant word means. Imagine a doctor not even taking the time to explain this, and a 19 year old having to do their own research on their body, finding out they will have this chronic illness for the rest of their life.

Common symptoms:

Fatigue

Increased sensitivity to cold

Constipation

Dry skin

Weight gain

Puffy face

Hoarseness

Muscle weakness

Elevated blood cholesterol level

Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness

Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints

Heavier than normal or irregular menstrual periods

Thinning hair

Slowed heart rate

Depression

Impaired memory

Imagine finding out you've been suffering from all of these symptoms for years, but you didnt think anything of it because you thought it was just a symptom of being fat.

All the times I was told to "just lose weight" over the years. All the times my OWN DOCTOR told me I needed to lose weight, when I was trying! I was eating maybe one meal a day, trying fad diets, taking pills, etc etc.

I was trying to lose the weight everyone told me was so bad, and my own doctor couldn't even take the time to see if something was wrong with me.

The worst part about finding this out? It makes things so much harder. I never remember to take my pills. Not taking my pills causes my body to freak out all over again. I'm in a constant cycle of feeling good and strong, and feeling terrible and weak. When I forget to take my pills, my body swells up, I get rashes, I have mood swings, I'm so tired I can barely stand. I have remembered to take my pills for 5 days now, and I've honestly never felt better.

All of this, to tell you that I honestly could not help my drastic weight gain. I honestly was trying. But none of you understand that. When you've been skinny your whole life, it's hard understanding the struggles that a plus sized person goes through. You dont know the battles people face.

And I get it. I know that people of all sizes have struggles. I do. But again, until you can go into a store and be shocked when they actually have your size, then we can talk. When you can actually eat Chinese in the mall with your boyfriend without having to pretend that people arent giving you dirty looks for having the decency to eat in public, we can talk. When you are shamed for eating in public (when it's probably you're only meal that day), we can talk. When you stay the night at someone's house, and forget to bring extra clothes and have to wear dirty clothes again the next day because you know they won't have your size just sitting in their closet, we can talk.

And I just want to clarify, that I dont always hate my body. I dont always envy people for being skinny. Most days I love myself, and feel empowered by my body. Most days, thick thighs save lives. But somedays I just wish I didnt have to work so hard to try and lose weight. Some days I wish I didnt have to lose weight, and that my weight was already ideal.

Some days I wish I weren't a morbidly obese 20 year old, but I better not say anything about it because I might offend someone who has it better.

My point to all of this? Just listen to people. Life isnt a competition of who has it worse, or who has the most struggles. If somebody needs to rant, hear them out. If someone is feeling down, help them up. If someone is hurting, give them pain relief.

Everyone hurts. Everyone has struggles. Everyone faces a new battle every single day. But you dont get to silence somebody else's voice when isn't something you would say or can personally relate to.

Everyone struggles, but dont be the person who silences them for your own benefit.

What It's Like Living With Anxiety and Depression

The thing I hate most about my mental illnesses is that when i have bad days, my brain tricks me into doing crappy things.

I get drunk. I try to contact toxic people from my past. I push the good people away. I snap at the people I love, and convince myself they dont love me. I get into pointless arguments with people. I stop eating good nutritional food, and binge on comfort foods. Which causes me to feel even worse, because I wind up being reminded of why i hate myself and my body.

I've had an unhealthy relationship with food for as long as i can remember, but with my depression, it got worse. When I binge on comfort foods, I get to feeling so bad for eating my weight in chocolate, that I end up taking stool softeners to try and flush my system. I gag myself. I try to get it out. I've never considered myself anorexic or bulimic, because I feel like I can control it. And it doesn't happen all the time.

Why do I do these terrible things? I have no clue. Maybe it's because in this state, my mind craves toxicity. I need to feel worse, or maybe I need a reason as to why I feel what I feel? My brain makes me think that because I feel like crap, those around me should too. I genuinely cannot control it.

When I snap out of a depressive episode, my guilt is terrible. I feel bad for how I treated people, I feel bad for trying to contact toxic people from my past, and I feel bad for how I treated my body.

My body's response to how I treat it, is never good either. My hair fails out, I get painful acne all over my body. I'm constantly tired. Any social contact makes me absolutely exhausted. I'm constantly nauseated, constipated, and weak. I get migraines with any little thing. My whole body just hurts.

My insides and nerves constantly feel like they are going to explode. Its like constantly have stomach butterflies, only severe and it's never from something good.

You know that feeling when you drive by a place with a lot of bad memories, or you see that person who caused you a lot of grief? Or you have to witness something which lands you in court? That feeling where you feel like you're going to poop your pants, or vomit, and your stomach just starts churning? That's what anxiety feels like. That's what I feel every single day.

My brain craves the toxicity,  and negativity that doing these crappy things to myself causes. I don't know how to control myself, and I cant afford therapy.

I forget to take my meds, sometimes for several weeks at a time. I'm sure this is what sends me into my depressive moods. Then I take them for a few days, and convince myself that I feeling better and don't need them any more. Until they wear off. And the same cycle starts all over again.

I hate living this life I'm in. My thoughts of suicide get stronger with each depressive mode i have. I could probably count more than 20 ways I've thought of killing myself.

I've had stuff happen in my past that nobody knows about. Everybody looks in and assumes my life was perfect and glowing. I cant even talk to anybody about it either, because I will be judged so badly, for things I was too young to even understand.

My brain hates me, and is constantly working against me, and I cant even Express myself when its happening. I lose my words, I forget my thoughts. I lose myself every single time.

Why Christianity Can Kinda Suck

Before you start freaking out, just listen to what I have to say.

Christianity kinda sucks, and here's why:

None of it is the same. No one person views Christianity the same. What do I mean by that? I mean, that so many people believe in so many different versions of Christianity, that we don't really have a set standard of what's right, and what's wrong. Now obviously there's the 10 Commandments, which are the basic guidelines of right vs. wrong (or what most people would argue). But what about the small things? What about things like swearing, or smoking, or drinking, or not attending church every Sunday, or drinking, or listening to "unholy" music, etc? The list goes on, and every single person seems to have their own opinion about it.

Here's my dilemma: What is right or okay? What is wrong?

We've all read the Bible, or looked up a verse or two during an Internet argument, to each is their own. So why do we see people who claim to be Christian, also partake in things that could be considered wrong in Bible standards? Why do younger generations so openly curse, drink, and smoke, then attend church on Sunday and partake in praise in worship like nothing happened? Why do older generations look on younger generations with nothing but judge mental eyes? We've all been there, in both situations, so why aren't Christians treating all sin as equal? Why are we picking and choosing? Why aren't we lifting each other up, instead of judging each individual for all possible wrong they've done? Older generations claim to be so understanding of people, because "we've all sinned", right? Yet they get into their little groups and immediately start bad mouthing that person because the sin they just committed that managed to make it into the public, is so unforgivable and so unholy and WHAT on Earth would Jesus do? But that's just the thing. Jesus may not have given in to any temptations, but I'm sure nobody judging another person's sin has, either. Jesus is literally the only perfect person to ever walk the earth, yet every single day we come across people who seem to be "holier than thou". That just because they haven't given in to the specific temptation that you have given in to, they are somehow better.

So how do I, as part of the younger generation, know right from wrong? How am I expected to be perfect, when a preacher can stand behind a pull-pit and preach about being a good Christian, yet stand there and in the same message mention sex multiple times, and state he is okay with drinking? How can I watch "spiritual leaders" tell me I'm sinning, yet not even register the fact that their current addiction is a sin as well? How can I teach myself right from wrong, when the people who are teaching me aren't exactly perfect either? It just amazes me that people can be SO quick to judge, but SO slow to understanding. It is so hard for me to claim to be a Christian, when there are so many people who also claim to be a Christian yet make no movements to better their lives. They're okay with what they do. They're okay with being weekday sinners, and Sunday morning Christians? How do I make it in a world where the vast majority claims to be Christians, yet are so blatantly hypocritical, and also blind to their hypocrisy? Because to me? Christianity is all about bettering yourself, and helping those around you better themselves. Christianity isn't sinning, and never asking for forgiveness yet still hoping to be forgiven. Christianity is making mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and giving your all in an attempt at not making that mistake again. Christianity isn't saying one sin is worse than the other, it's recognizing that all sins are equal in the eyes of Jesus, and that EVERYONE has the opportunity to be forgiven. So while Christianity can most definitely suck, it needs to be about spreading love and understanding above all else.

To The Best Friend Who Moved On Without Me

We were so close.
But then you moved on without me. You didn't mean to, you really didn't. That's just life. Not everyone stays best friends with their high school friends, but some do. You moved on, you got better friends, and had the time of your life. I know you still care about me, but life is so totally hectic. I get that.

But what I don't get is how you can completely forget who a person is when you don't hang out on a daily basis.
We hung out for the first time in forever, and we didn't even know what to talk about anymore.

They warn you that you lose your friends, but they forget to warn you how it feels to lose your best friends.
They don't tell you that you just stop talking. That you slowly fade from each other's lives. That when you finally decide to meet up, you no longer have anything in common. You get replaced by their new friends. Their new friends are now replaced with your "this made me think of you" little moments.

They never told you that friendship heartbreaks hurt 100x more than relationship heartbreaks. They never told you how crappy life is when you don't have your best friend there to defeat the world with you. They never told you that people just drift apart. Not on purpose, not out of spite. Just because of life's different paths. And that's what's hard. Losing someone to life and watching them live without you, when you promised each other so many times to always be there.

How are you?

How are you?
I am suffocating in my mental illnesses. I physically find it harder and harder to breathe every single day. Every day gets harder and harder to push through. I think I might actually be drowning. I can actually feel my throat getting tighter. I'm terrified.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
My boyfriend lovingly touched me, and I almost had another panic attack because I was suddenly overwhelmed with feeling too crowded. I snapped on him for loving me. I snapped on him for showing me affection because my mind thought I was going to suffocate if he continued to keep his hand on my leg. He loves me, yet it's hard for him when I'm suddenly complete and raw emotions, unable to express anything except that I suddenly can't handle being touched right now. My emotions are hurting him, yet I'm drowning so fast I can't explain to him what's going on. It keeps getting worse, and happening more often.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
It's been two weeks since I remembered to take my medications. My life is so busy yet so not that I can't remember to take the one thing that helps me to function. But then I wonder if it really helps when I do take it.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
My head hurts from straining everyday to do normal things, while also trying to fight my depression and anxiety. I'm forgetting to do things more and more everyday. I make lists to remember, and then I forget to look at the lists that are supposed to be reminding me to do things. My headaches never go away, and my memory isn't getting any better. I try so hard, yet still I can't get it right. My memory is so bad I can't even remember to go to my Psychiatrist appointment that is an hour away even though I set an alarm to remind me.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
I'm not okay. But I can't tell you that. You don't really care when you ask how I'm doing. You only care to put on a mask of sincerity, to make small talk. I'm not doing okay, and I'm really good at acting chipper, but trust me when I say I'd rather be sleeping the pain away. I can't even talk to anyone, because mental illness has suddenly become glorified. Because talking to someone, only stirs up "I understand" responses, when in fact, they don't understand. They aren't going through it. People struggle to understand that someone can have depression and anxiety evn though they have a good life. People struggle to understand that it comes and goes, in spurts of days and weeks. One day I'm on top of the world, and the next I'm carrying the world's weight. One day I'm just okay, and the next I can barely get out of bed.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

This Life of Mine - The One You Can't See

Can it really be put into words? Probably not. Yet here I am trying. Erase. Try again. Erase. Try again. Over and over.

My body is so overwhelming exhausted. I look at my screen, and my eyes are drifting. Yet the moment I put everything down, the shadows come back. They always come back. They are most likely a figment of my imagination, but they are still real to me. They keep me awake, jolting my fears again and again and again. Lights on, no good. Lights off, no good.

The few hours I get rest, they call me lazy because it just so happens to fall into a different pattern than theirs.

They give me medications to help with the fears, but those same meds keep my lying here awake, and afraid. They call them psychotic medications. They call them my key to normal functionality. Yet I find it still so hard to function.

A Word or Two for This Generation on "Love"

Love: the one single word that has the extraordinary ability to either break a person into a million pieces, or mend the million pieces that have already been broken. I would dare to say that love could easily be the most powerful word/weapon ever known to mankind.

Love is, according to Websters Dictionary, "an intense affectionate concern for another person". Simple enough, right? Or maybe not.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of seeing very, very young couples (middle school-high school, even into adulthood) throw around the word "love" just as easily as they would tell a person what food they had for breakfast.

To me, love is an agreement, a commitment, between two people (although, it can sadly sometimes be one-sided) who could see each other as a lifelong partner. It isn't something you tell someone just because you're in a relationship with them, and it definitely shouldn't be used as an excuse to keep someone in your life. There is a country song out there with the lyrics "if I told you I loved you, would it make you wanna stay?" And to me, that's wrong.

Anyways, back to the young people. I myself am very young, and I cling to the fact that I'd like to think I understand what love is, and how powerful it is. I understand that you can't just tell anybody that you love them, and that love doesn't just happen. I've grown up watching my parents, and the love they have for each other, and that has given me a great perspective on what love is really, truly about. I understand that everyone loves in different ways, and that no two love stories are ever going to be the same. But, I also understand that what MOST of this generation portrays as love, is not love at all.

Anymore, love is simply just a word said between two people in a relationship. And honestly, it's become a word that you tell someone BEFORE the relationship even exists. All the time I see people jump from one relationship to another, and within a day, or a few hours even, they're already saying "I love you" every five seconds. It's ridiculous.

Stop wasting this precious word on just anybody. It's a very sacred feeling, not to be taken out of context to fit your needs. Love was intended to be shared between two people who were seriously considering a future together, not two people who are bound to break up in no time due to ridiculous reasons, such as: lack of sex (because most of this generation chooses lust over love, and that's extremely sad to me), anger, jealousy, etc. Love was meant for two people so connected, that they literally feel as though the other person completes them, and knows every "deep dark secret" that not another soul will ever find out, not for two people who barely know the other persons interests/hobbies. Fun fact: the heart shape that we have all drawn at some point in our life, that has basically become the universal symbol of love, was originally the silhouette of two human hearts sewn together, to become one single heart. So, if you think about it, the "heart" makes sense to be a symbol of love.

I honestly just can't even begin to express how POWERFUL love truly is. It breaks people. It mends people. It gives people hope. It destroys people's dreams. It isn't a word just anybody should be using. It isn't just a word, for that matter. It's a FEELING. A feeling so strong you feel it in the depths of your soul, and it covers your entire body in a certain warmth.

How do you know when you're in love? That I do not know. You just do. You'll know when something is real. How do you find a "perfect" love? That I also do not know. However, I do know how God explains the "perfect" love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 says: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I know that yes, it is easier said than done to live up to these standards of love, but I also know that if that is the guideline of love that you are using, then your love will be pure, and true.

So, to my generation I say, love wisely. Don't treat love like a word, but treat it like a deep, powerful feeling. There is someone out there. You may not find them until you're 85, and you may find them at 13, whatever the case though, get to know someone's true self, and think of those Bible verses before you tell them you love them. It could save a lot of heartache in the future.