How are you?

How are you?
I am suffocating in my mental illnesses. I physically find it harder and harder to breathe every single day. Every day gets harder and harder to push through. I think I might actually be drowning. I can actually feel my throat getting tighter. I'm terrified.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
My boyfriend lovingly touched me, and I almost had another panic attack because I was suddenly overwhelmed with feeling too crowded. I snapped on him for loving me. I snapped on him for showing me affection because my mind thought I was going to suffocate if he continued to keep his hand on my leg. He loves me, yet it's hard for him when I'm suddenly complete and raw emotions, unable to express anything except that I suddenly can't handle being touched right now. My emotions are hurting him, yet I'm drowning so fast I can't explain to him what's going on. It keeps getting worse, and happening more often.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
It's been two weeks since I remembered to take my medications. My life is so busy yet so not that I can't remember to take the one thing that helps me to function. But then I wonder if it really helps when I do take it.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
My head hurts from straining everyday to do normal things, while also trying to fight my depression and anxiety. I'm forgetting to do things more and more everyday. I make lists to remember, and then I forget to look at the lists that are supposed to be reminding me to do things. My headaches never go away, and my memory isn't getting any better. I try so hard, yet still I can't get it right. My memory is so bad I can't even remember to go to my Psychiatrist appointment that is an hour away even though I set an alarm to remind me.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

How are you?
I'm not okay. But I can't tell you that. You don't really care when you ask how I'm doing. You only care to put on a mask of sincerity, to make small talk. I'm not doing okay, and I'm really good at acting chipper, but trust me when I say I'd rather be sleeping the pain away. I can't even talk to anyone, because mental illness has suddenly become glorified. Because talking to someone, only stirs up "I understand" responses, when in fact, they don't understand. They aren't going through it. People struggle to understand that someone can have depression and anxiety evn though they have a good life. People struggle to understand that it comes and goes, in spurts of days and weeks. One day I'm on top of the world, and the next I'm carrying the world's weight. One day I'm just okay, and the next I can barely get out of bed.
I'm great! Thanks for asking!

This Life of Mine - The One You Can't See

Can it really be put into words? Probably not. Yet here I am trying. Erase. Try again. Erase. Try again. Over and over.

My body is so overwhelming exhausted. I look at my screen, and my eyes are drifting. Yet the moment I put everything down, the shadows come back. They always come back. They are most likely a figment of my imagination, but they are still real to me. They keep me awake, jolting my fears again and again and again. Lights on, no good. Lights off, no good.

The few hours I get rest, they call me lazy because it just so happens to fall into a different pattern than theirs.

They give me medications to help with the fears, but those same meds keep my lying here awake, and afraid. They call them psychotic medications. They call them my key to normal functionality. Yet I find it still so hard to function.

A Word or Two for This Generation on "Love"

Love: the one single word that has the extraordinary ability to either break a person into a million pieces, or mend the million pieces that have already been broken. I would dare to say that love could easily be the most powerful word/weapon ever known to mankind.

Love is, according to Websters Dictionary, "an intense affectionate concern for another person". Simple enough, right? Or maybe not.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of seeing very, very young couples (middle school-high school, even into adulthood) throw around the word "love" just as easily as they would tell a person what food they had for breakfast.

To me, love is an agreement, a commitment, between two people (although, it can sadly sometimes be one-sided) who could see each other as a lifelong partner. It isn't something you tell someone just because you're in a relationship with them, and it definitely shouldn't be used as an excuse to keep someone in your life. There is a country song out there with the lyrics "if I told you I loved you, would it make you wanna stay?" And to me, that's wrong.

Anyways, back to the young people. I myself am very young, and I cling to the fact that I'd like to think I understand what love is, and how powerful it is. I understand that you can't just tell anybody that you love them, and that love doesn't just happen. I've grown up watching my parents, and the love they have for each other, and that has given me a great perspective on what love is really, truly about. I understand that everyone loves in different ways, and that no two love stories are ever going to be the same. But, I also understand that what MOST of this generation portrays as love, is not love at all.

Anymore, love is simply just a word said between two people in a relationship. And honestly, it's become a word that you tell someone BEFORE the relationship even exists. All the time I see people jump from one relationship to another, and within a day, or a few hours even, they're already saying "I love you" every five seconds. It's ridiculous.

Stop wasting this precious word on just anybody. It's a very sacred feeling, not to be taken out of context to fit your needs. Love was intended to be shared between two people who were seriously considering a future together, not two people who are bound to break up in no time due to ridiculous reasons, such as: lack of sex (because most of this generation chooses lust over love, and that's extremely sad to me), anger, jealousy, etc. Love was meant for two people so connected, that they literally feel as though the other person completes them, and knows every "deep dark secret" that not another soul will ever find out, not for two people who barely know the other persons interests/hobbies. Fun fact: the heart shape that we have all drawn at some point in our life, that has basically become the universal symbol of love, was originally the silhouette of two human hearts sewn together, to become one single heart. So, if you think about it, the "heart" makes sense to be a symbol of love.

I honestly just can't even begin to express how POWERFUL love truly is. It breaks people. It mends people. It gives people hope. It destroys people's dreams. It isn't a word just anybody should be using. It isn't just a word, for that matter. It's a FEELING. A feeling so strong you feel it in the depths of your soul, and it covers your entire body in a certain warmth.

How do you know when you're in love? That I do not know. You just do. You'll know when something is real. How do you find a "perfect" love? That I also do not know. However, I do know how God explains the "perfect" love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 says: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I know that yes, it is easier said than done to live up to these standards of love, but I also know that if that is the guideline of love that you are using, then your love will be pure, and true.

So, to my generation I say, love wisely. Don't treat love like a word, but treat it like a deep, powerful feeling. There is someone out there. You may not find them until you're 85, and you may find them at 13, whatever the case though, get to know someone's true self, and think of those Bible verses before you tell them you love them. It could save a lot of heartache in the future.

Originality Doesn't Exist

What does it mean to be "original"? Two things: 1. Something serving as a model or basis for imitations or copies. 2. An eccentric or unusual person. That doesn't seem so bad, right? However, when society is telling someone to "be original", it is simply saying the exact opposite. When society says "be original" it means to be just like every other human being on this planet -- but not too similar or  risk being called "fake" -- or be considered "weird". It has, in fact, been stated that every single idea has already or previously been thought up by another person(s) in the world. 

"There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages." -Mark Twain

So, no, you can't tell someone to "be original", because from this time forward, original thoughts are nowhere to be found. In the first definition of "original" (serving as a model or basis for imitations or copies), it is clear what society is trying to do. It preaches to "be original", but only if your originality is the norm of the population. "Don't become fat, but always be original." "Don't become anorexic, but don't forget to be original." "Don't be an outstanding scholar, because that means you're fake." "Don't fail your classes, because that, too, is fake."

NOTHING WILL EVER BE ORIGINAL AGAIN. At least not if you are going by what society thinks. However, if you go by the second definition, there is still a chance for originality to exist.

So, what I'm saying, is to be yourself. Society will throw a fit, but if everyone were themselves, would the high standards of society even be a thing anymore? Eat whatever you want, say whatever you want, and dress however you want. BE. YOU. There isn't a better time to be the person you were meant to be than now. Nobody can be you for you, so you might as well grasp it and be you yourself.

Dr. Seuss said it well when he said: "Why fit in when you were born to stand out", and "Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive that is you-er than you!".

Who I am: My standards, not society's

I don't really know how to explain who I am, or what I do,
Because in reality who I am and what I do are both closely related and quite frankly I'm not sure there is much of a difference in either concept. Except maybe the fact that, I am who I am, because of what I do, and I do what I do, because of who I am.

I am me.

Who is me? By society's standards, me is not a very appealing person, quite boring as a matter of fact. Me doesn't have much to present, but what does society know, right? Society looks at me and says "She's just a boring little girl with her whole life ahead of her, nothing worth anymore than a glance, she will never become something according to what I say, because what I want is perfection. And if your idea of perfection is different than mine, then you are wrong."

But society is wrong.

Because, I am me.

And because I am me, I am myself. I love the little things, and the big things as well. I know how to think, and I know how to live. I am a human just like every other person who has walked this earth. I have opinions, and I have feelings. Both which are very strong. I love to laugh, but I'm not naive to pain. I've been hurt very much, for just a young life. I know that at every waking moment pain surrounds me, but I have courage. I have strength. I've learned how to deal with pain, and how to allow pain to build me into a better, stronger person. I am perfect, because I have flaws.

To think that a person cannot be considered a person merely because of the fact that society says who a person is or isn't, is incredibly absurd.

Every single person, has the ability to make something of themselves. Better yet, every single person, is already making something of themselves just by simply being a human being.

Success is something that is so greatly taken for granted, because there can be success in every single situation, but is more often than not over looked if it's not a "huge success". It's just up to us as humans to take everything that life throws at us with gracious attitudes. If we have that attitude, then everything that we do that has a slightly positive outcome, can be counted as a success.

Everyone is a someone, I don't care what society says.

Skin color, age, weight, height, ethnicity, emotional state; none of that matters. If you are breathing, and if you are feeling, then you are a human. You are your own person.

In a world where society preaches originality, you would think that to be original, or to be yourself, would be okay.

And because I am my own person, and I am myself, I am originally not okay, because I'm not original in the way that society would like. However, because I am original,

I am me.

And that's it that really needs to be said to describe who I am.

I. AM. ME.

Love: A new perspective

Maybe it's not her that she's scared of,

And maybe it's not him that she's scared of.

But rather maybe it's that feeling that

so dangerously sneaks up on a

person and buries itself deep in their soul.

It's that four letter word that can just

as easily be the base as the break

of any given relationship.

That word that can scare so many

yet also attracts our deepest thoughts.

We lose our composure, and lose our thought process.

We experience unknown feelings with unknown causes,

Yet we never stop to think that

maybe the cause and the effect

are in fact the same seed sprouted into

a new tree with buds so different yet so same.

We are paralyzed by the idea of what this word can bring,

And confused when in fact every

single person creates a different, but

equally beautiful version of this word.

It's the fingerprint of the feeling world;

Unique and different every single time.

We call this unique fingerprint love.

And this love calls to us in our most

unexpected times

Sometimes bringing us great joy and

confidence,

And others bringing us great fear and

disappointment.

How scary to know that a single

person can make you go weak in the

knees and cause difficulties in your

usually normal flow of breathing; of life.

But oh how comforting it is to know

that they also can solely be your

whole world, making you forget

about the obnoxious world that still

surrounds you, that takes your

breathe away faster that any

magical moment with that single

person whom you so unwilling allow

to consume your life and lead you by the hand.

Therefore, love, is arguably the

greatest fears of all fears to be facing.

It's just a matter of choosing to allow

someone to point a gun right at you,

and undoubtedly expecting them

to not pull the trigger, 

Or putting the gun on yourself and

pulling the trigger, because

you thought the other person was going

to do it anyways.